Woman Asks If It’s Worth Staying With Married Boyfriend If He Refuses To Divorce Unless She Pays For It

May 03, 2022 by apost team

Occupational therapist and host of the advice podcast, "Two Hot Takes," Morgan Absher recently received a message from a thirty-nine-year-old woman struggling to find even footing in a relationship with her married thirty-three-year-old boyfriend. Absher shared the weary girlfriend's situation with her audience, who was shocked to hear details of the five-year relationship.  

The girlfriend explained how she gets "called crazy or just get ignored" when she voices opinions to her boyfriend and admitted, "communication for us has been minimal for the past two years or so." To complicate things further, she told Absher that "he is still married to his ex. While he has promised a divorce, he refuses to get one now unless [she pays] for it."

Additionally, the girlfriend expressed her frustration over the lack of physicality in her relationship, conveying that the couple is only, "intimate three times a month and only when he wants to." Moreover, the boyfriend "doesn’t compliment or acknowledge any of [her] social media posts or things [she sends] directly to him (like racy pictures)," which leaves her feeling even more neglected. 

The situation seems to have more recently seems to have galvanized into a potential breaking point, perhaps prompting the note to Absher. The girlfriend explained how her boyfriend, "decided he wanted to take time off for his birthday."

An understandable decision; however, she outlines how "he didn’t ask if [she] was doing anything for him, which [she] always do[es], and didn’t ask if [she] wanted to go." The issue is additionally muddled by the fact that she feels "that he can take time off for his own birthday, but can’t take off for [her] birthday or [their] anniversary." Heartbreakingly, she admits that for "the past two years he has done nothing for both [her] birthday or anniversary." 

Exasperatedly, she asked Absher, "Am I wrong for being mad?"

Absher began her response by stating, "why are you staying with a partner who isn’t meeting any of your basic relationship needs." She reminds her of the popular adage, "if he wants to, he will." Absher also pointed out how the "boyfriend doesn’t even seem to be trying. The fact that he isn’t actively pursuing his divorce himself is a pretty big red flag..." She noted that the boyfriend "doesn’t seem to appreciate or respect [her]. He brushes [her] off, calls [her] crazy and fails to establish basic communication." Breakdowns in communication can be remedied, but Absher cautioned her, saying that

"if he’s been unwilling to hear [her] out for the past two years, unfortunately, I don’t think this is changing any time soon." 

Absher then asked, "How can you have a partnership with someone who refuses to acknowledge or even talk to you?"

She then reminded her audience of the concept of "bids," which relationship therapist Dr. John Gottman discusses in his book, "What Makes Love Last." As Dr. Gottman defines it, bids are “fundamental units of emotional connection” or more simply put bids are "moments where we try to connect with our partners." Absher pointed out that the boyfriend, "is ignoring any bid [she extends], which in turn [creates] resentment, decreased trust and lack of connection – none of which are good for a healthy, long-lasting relationship."

She reminded the woman that she "shouldn’t have to demand or beg someone to pay attention to [her], spend time with [her] or be in a relationship with [her]. [She] deserve[s] to feel supported, communicated with and loved in [her] relationship." Absher concluded by saying, "this relationship does not seem like one that is promoting a safe, happy, healthy environment."

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 Have you found yourself in a similarly unfruitful relationship with a married man? Let us know — and be sure to pass this article on to friends, family members and fellow Two Hot Takes fans!