Why I Will Not Apologize For Putting Myself First

Dec 10, 2018 by apost team

As I look at you, my heart sinks. But it's not because it's broken. It's because you've let me down more than I ever could have imagined.

As we stand here, you tell me that you're the one who's hurt. How could I do this to you, to us? That's what you dare to ask me. You say that I left you and didn't give it a second thought. You mean I turned my back on everything we built and never even glanced over my shoulder. I wish this were the case. I hope that you knew walking away wasn't the first choice for me but the final straw. I had to save myself after months of pain.

Months of guessing and months of wishing later, I knew why things had changed and wondering why I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry that you don't understand, but I won't apologize for putting myself first.

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Relationships don't happen overnight, and they don't work when one person gives, and another takes. I'd be happy to care for you when you needed me. After all, that's what lovers do. They carry one another; they nurture one another, they support one another. But what happens when one lover has poured their heart, soul, and energy into a relationship and the other has given nothing back?

You're left with an empty, exhausted soul who can't bear to answer why they've changed. I am not just a girlfriend. I am a human being. The fire I thought I saw in your eyes was just a reflection of mine. I see that now, and I am not sorry for finally having the courage to dance with the flames.

I deserve to be loved like it's going to end tomorrow. I deserve a love that I know will last forever. I deserve the silly, innocent love that makes you laugh like you haven't in years and smile at strangers on the street because you're just that happy. I won't apologize to you for moving on.

You let me lay broken at your feet for months and never offered me a hand. Now, I can stand strong on my own. I don't need you to help, and I don't want you to follow me. It took me months of anguish to realize you aren't going to change. You don't want me, you want what I can give, and that simply won't do.

I won't say sorry for putting myself first. I won't apologize for discovering the strength I needed to let go of a toxic love that did nothing but suffocates me. I won't apologize for realizing that I should have left you a long time ago and finally having the courage to do it. You had me fooled for a long time.

I don't think you even realized how much I loved you. I left my heart on an altar like it wasn't even worth offering. You made me believe that I wasn't good enough, and every day I convinced myself that you were right.

But things have changed. Now, I recognize my worth. I understand that love is not something taken from you but something you share. For the first time in months, I feel like me again. I want to do all the things I used to love that you made me feel silly for. I want to write a book. I want to learn French. I want to save up all my change from the store in a big, glass jar labeled "Adventures."

The only person who deserves an apology is me, but not from you. From myself. To past me, I am sorry for not believing in you. I am sorry that I didn't make you a priority. I am sorry that you didn't use even an ounce of all the love you gave to someone else on yourself. 

There may be sometimes when I think about you, but they will be far and few in between. I have my own life to lead now, and there isn't any time to live in the past. I spent enough time there. I've earned my right to live in the moment. So no, I won't apologize to you for finally realizing I deserve better. I won't say sorry for loving myself.

Has your previous or current relationship taught you the importance of self-love? We want to hear your stories in the comments. Don't forget to send this affirmation of self-love to all your friends!