The Brutal, Hilarious Truth About Your Zodiac Sign Will Make You Laugh, Cry, Or Both

Jun 04, 2018 by apost team

This is a just-for-fun horoscope that may have you laughing, raging, or even leave you in tears. 


Aries just skip out of their mom's wombs. Sometimes they even glide out using rollerblades. And then they make all of their life decisions in toddlerhood. An Aries will get married several times just for fun, but they never get divorced. Their spouses just have freak accidents and disappear. People run to get away from Aries because they don't want to get set on fire. Aries can't get their rams' horns out of everyone else's butts.


Taurus goes from up, down, and then to shooting their favorite person in the knee just because. They like to psychoanalyze everyone even though they don't have any life experience. Taurus is the best at feeling like second best. Taurus loves conflict, so if nothing is wrong, then that is what's wrong. If they can't get into a fight, then a Taurus will make up stories about fights to tell their friends, right before they psychoanalyze them. A Taurus thinks that they're going nowhere in life. But they're pushy and impatient, always in a hurry to get to the nowhere that they're going.


Geminis are so loveable because everyone loves a schizophrenic. But a Gemini can and will protest all of this by the time you're done reading this paragraph. A Gemini picks fights with small children and imaginary people. A bisexual Gemini is their own date. The rest of the Geminis are hermaphrodites. A Gemini will vandalize their own home. A Gemini has to be on medication, and that medication isn't always legal. They speak loudly so people can hear them, which is weird because they're usually just talking to themselves. They even have crazy arguments with themselves in the bathtub.


A Cancer only gets dressed because they have to. They can make one pair of underwear last for over a month. They can even remain in their home for months at a time. Somehow, a Cancer needs to be everyone's savior, but has no need for social interaction. It's okay though, because a Cancer is fine with maintaining their career and questionable diet from the comfort of their own bed. People take advantage of Cancer, because they strive to be a doormat. A Cancer's power lies in their ability to know what anyone is thinking at any given time. This is why no one invites them anywhere.


A Leo will get attention any way that they can, even via self-immolation. Every Leo expects parades for their birthdays. If a Leo gets married, which they won't because no one is good enough for them, they keep their spouse locked underneath the bathroom sink. They need constant affection. But they can't get any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. Leos kiss mirrors, open doors by screaming at them, expect their Clappers to clap for them, interrupt people to talk, and then chase them down to keep talking.


Virgos are anal. They regulate their breathing, color coordinate the clothes in their closet, never belch, and clean every square inch of everything daily. Everything has its place. And a Virgo's is on the floor, scrubbing away with a magnifying glass to check for germs. A Virgo will commit a drive-by shooting because a person has a dirty car. It's cool though, because a Virgo will clean and do your laundry for you. But if you put something where it doesn't belong, a Virgo will stab you.


A Libra is so elegant and tasteful that they make everyone else sick. But they're also bipolar and can't make their own decisions. Libras always worry about what other people think, but don't pay enough attention to actually make people like them. They're always on the cutting edge of the pretentious trends, even being the ones to start most of them.


Scorpios take their paranoid way of life so seriously that they're biggest grudge is that they've never actually been abducted by aliens or victimized by a government conspiracy. Their crazy, master plans for world domination will never actually work because it involves them. A Scorpio finds ways to smoke in the shower and cheat at the lottery. They've got a lot of advice to give on matters that don't concern them. They're hairy people that answer pertinent questions with silence followed by "I'm sorry, what?"


A Sagittarius can make an adventure out of anything, like smashing spiders with their bare hands and walking around without turning on the light. They'd rather injure themselves than do anything the simple, easy way. They're born entertainers with no social graces. They're often born into the wrong gender, but they make great circus freaks and vagrants.


A Capricorn likes to think that they're both charismatic and logical, but really they're just tight-assed and nit-picky while having to keep their egos in the backyard. They would survive with the cockroaches in the event of a nuclear war because the rest of us just wouldn't want to live in a world like that. They find loopholes in laws for fun. Knowing how to screw the public over from an early age, they're probably the inventors of toll roads.


An Aquarius will party anytime, anywhere. They like to be naked and have a lot of out-of-body experiences. If they zone out during a conversation, then that conversation is over. An Aquarius can tell you what the food is like on Saturn. They can also walk on water if they try really, really hard, but only in the bathtub. Aquarius never feel guilty about partaking in any and every vice that they can get their hands on.


A Pisces is so zoned out that they're likely to die by falling out of the window or driving backwards on the highway. But they'll kick your ass and the asses of your imaginary friends. They can achieve greatness by sheer flukes. They'll beg for "honest criticism" of their work and then commit suicide when you don't like it. There's no logic for the Pisces, because they're living in their own world and doing whatever they want. A Pisces will cry over a dead animal but has no problem bludgeoning a human that they don't like.

Is there any truth to these crazy, hilarious zodiac signs? Let us know and show this to a friend who fits the description!