Talk Less And Listen More- What You Shouldn’t Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Apr 28, 2018 by apost team

Years ago I had a good friend and coworker lose her father. I was so unsure of what to say to her because of how distraught she was. When someone is grieving, you may not know the right thing to say, and in my case, I didn’t. I tried to tell her how I had lost my father when I was just a baby. He had died in an accident and I never knew him and I grew up with just my mom. I was trying to convey that she wasn’t alone in her problem, that I understood her feelings and had experienced something similar.

However, this was the wrong way to approach her. She snapped at me, saying that I had won since I had never had a dad and she should be happy she got to spend so much time with hers. She said she shouldn’t be upset that hers had just passed away. 

Of course, I was stunned and embarrassed. I tried to plead my case by telling her that I didn’t mean it that way and that I was just trying to tell her that I knew how she felt. She answered, “No, you don’t. You really have no idea how I feel.” And then she walked away, leaving me to feel like a jerk. 

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I was trying to empathize with her on a conscious level but in doing so, turned the attention on my issues instead. She had wanted to talk about what a great dad her father was and instead I made her listen to my dad’s terrible death instead. 

I began to realize that I responded to stories of loss with my own stories. When my other co-worker talked about losing a job, I came back with how I had lost one in college. I realized I did this all of the time! I also saw how little they were responding to my small attempts to empathize with them and that I needed to change how I responded to people. My friends, coworkers, and family just needed me to listen to them and provide acknowledgment for what they were dealing with. They didn’t want to hear my stories.

Charles Derber describes this action as “conversational narcissism”. It is the tendency to insert your own feelings and stories into a conversation in an effort to turn the focus back to yourself. Often, the individual does this subtly and unconsciously. They feel as if this is supporting the person when in fact, it is just the opposite. 

Derber explains the difference between a support and shift response.

A support response helps to support the individual you are speaking with and their thoughts and feelings instead of immediately bringing the conversation around to yourself.

The shift response is what is described as conversational narcissism- it negates the other person's story and instead focuses on our own. 

Here are some examples:

Shift Response
Cindy: I have so much work to do today!
Dave: Me too, I don’t know what I am going to do.

Support Response
Cindy: I have so much work to do today!
Dave: Really? What all do you need to finish up before you leave? 

Shift Response
Cindy: My father was just diagnosed with cancer.
Dave: My father had cancer, too. He was sick all of the time.

Support Response
Cindy: My father was just diagnosed with cancer.
Dave: That's terrible! When and how did you find out?

A support response is essential to maintaining a good relationship with family, friends, and coworkers. You want to ask the other person questions about themselves and their concerns to really be a good friend! Listen more and talk less is a good rule of thumb to abide by. 

If someone comes to you with their troubles, try just listening and offering support. Even supporting statements such as “That sounds awful” and “I’m sorry you are going through this” can really help the other person. Most people aren’t looking for advice when they tell you their stories, they simply need to be heard. And that is certainly something we can all do more of!

What did you think of this story? Let us know your thoughts and pass this on so that your friend and loved ones would know what to do in this kind of situation.