On Taking Care Of A Partner Or Spouse Through Difficulties

Jan 05, 2021 by apost team

It’s a truism that life isn’t always easy or fair. Whether there’s something stressful at work, a complicated family situation, or just a case of the winter blues, we all need someone to lean on during hard times. For many of us, we rely on our partners for that support. But sometimes it isn’t always easy to know what to do. Should we give advice? Comfort them? Tell them that everything is going to be okay? Luckily, we’ve tried to take some of the guesswork out of the equation. Here are six ways to help your partner when they’ve got a dark cloud overhead.

Often when people feel down, they forget to take care of themselves. For some folks, it’s difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and for others, it’s difficult for them to muster up the energy to get enough to eat. And so one easy way to help your partner out when they’re a gloomy mess is to feed them.

This can help cheer your partner up on a couple of different levels. On the most basic level, you can ensure that they are well fed and taken care of. That goes a long way when it comes to making people feel better. Just think about the last time your mother cooked for you when you were feeling sick, sad, or just plain out of it — it feels great! On the other hand, since you know your partner better than almost anyone else (or at least we hope so), you can cook their favorite dish. They call it comfort food for a reason!

In fact, there’s even a scientific connection between food and happiness, according to HowStuffWorks.com. On the one hand, certain foods like turkey and bananas help us produce important chemicals like serotonin. That’s why eating enough of the right foods is important to everyone’s mental well-being. On the other hand, however, comfort foods — like that mac and cheese your mom used to make — have been linked to memories of happier times. In this way, these foods can trigger certain memories and remind us of certain people. According to a Cornell University study, popular comfort foods among men include savory dishes like steak and soup while women seem to prefer sweet treats like ice cream. That said, you know your partner best, so pick out something that might remind them of a good memory like a first date or their mother’s cooking.

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This seems obvious — we know. But the fact is that oftentimes we forget that just talking through our issues can make us feel better. And we’re not just making this up or repeating well-worn clichés. The science backs this up. According to research from the University of California, Los Angeles, for example, putting one’s feelings into words — known as “affect labeling” — can help diminish the amygdala’s response to negative emotions. So next time your partner is down in the doldrums but refuses to talk about why, let them know (gently) that there’s proof that talking about it helps. But seriously: give your partner your full attention and let them vent.

Experts in communication also underscore the fact that certain behaviors are important when trying to talk to and comfort a loved one. For example, it’s important to maintain eye contact, meaning that those of us who are addicted to our phones need to put them away well in advance. Short responses to what your partner is saying — like “yes,” “I see,” and “I understand — can go a long way. The upshot is that you want to make sure your partner feels heard and understood.

There’s always the possibility that your partner won’t always want to talk about why they’re feeling so down, however. Maybe they’re sad because of something you said, or maybe the issue is more complicated. If that’s the case, let them know that you’re there for them, and maybe suggest that they talk to a close friend, family member, or even a therapist.

We all know the feeling. We’ve been working toward a goal for months, maybe even years, and we still fall short. It’s a terrible feeling, and as a result, it’s easy to throw in the towel and let your emotions get the best of you. Maybe your partner is an aspiring actor who dreams of starring in a Scorsese movie, maybe they’re a novelist who’s been reading through and editing some coffee-stained manuscript for the past ten years, or maybe they just want to run their first marathon. In any case, our advice remains the same. Do not let your partners give up.

There’s a reason why people refer to their partners as “my rock.” No matter what the circumstances — through thick and thin — we are there to cheer our partners on. If you manage to do that, to be the world’s best cheerleader during tough times, we know your partner will thank you.

For some of us, the first reaction we have when our partners feel bad is to give them a bone-crushing hug and snuggle them to death. And for others, advice comes more naturally. Depending on why your partner is feeling so down, sometimes a bit of thoughtful planning and advice can help your partner pull themselves out of the dumps. Maybe your significant other has been working tirelessly for a promotion, only to see it go to some new kid at the company. Or maybe you’re in a long-distance relationship, and you’ve been trying to close the gap. Regardless of the problem, you can help.

First of all, identify the actual problem(s). What’s been holding your partner back? Money, time, a visa? Once you’ve identified the problem(s), you can get to work. Break down the problem into smaller, bite-sized goals. If, for example, your partner is upset because they’re having trouble dealing with a long-distance relationship, you can lay out the steps on how you might eventually close the gap. That might involve doing research, saving money, gathering important documents. applying to jobs, and so on. Whatever the problem, the goal is to make the solution more manageable and less daunting.

Of course, you can’t always solve all of your partner's problems — and you don’t need to either. If it seems like your partner is really going through something serious, then it might be time to suggest seeing a professional. You can help come up with a plan for that, too.

This tip applies to all of the above advice. Regardless of how you end up helping your partner through whatever they’re going through, you’re going to have to make extra time for them. That isn’t always easy for busy professionals and/or parents, but a little bit can go a long way. Even the fact that you’re taking extra time out of your day for your partner could make them feel better and cared for. In the end, here’s the bottom line: talk to your partner, and find out how you can help them. While the above tips are pretty universal — who doesn’t like coming home to a steaming hot bowl of mac and cheese? — communication remains critical in any relationship. After all, it might turn out that they need support in a completely different way.

Of course, it’s important to keep in mind that while you might mean well, some forms of support can backfire. In an article from communication expert Dr. Jennifer Priem regarding relationship support, she lists a few important behaviors that supportive partners should avoid. At the top of the list is telling your partner how to feel or act. For example, you shouldn’t outright tell your partner “Don’t do this” or “Don’t do that” when you want them to feel better. According to Dr. Priem, this might make them feel inferior, reducing their self-esteem. That is, of course, exactly the opposite of what you want to do.

Secondly, Dr. Priem emphasizes that when you’re supporting someone, you should not downplay the significance of their feelings or their situation. Even if you might find the reason why your partner is so sad silly, telling them this will only make them feel worse. Then they’ll feel like they have to defend their feelings. Instead, Dr. Priem suggests that we validate feelings. The keyword here is “validate.” We aren’t necessarily agreeing with why someone is upset — though you certainly might — but simply acknowledging and recognizing that they feel bad.

Finally, Dr. Priem advises against “You should have known” statements. Everyone knows how annoying — and even hurtful — these can be. You confide in someone that you feel horrible, and then they say something along the lines of, well, that sucks, but you should have seen this coming. It’s obvious why this sort of statement can just make the other person feel worse, but sometimes it just slips out, especially when we’re talking with our partners whom we know so well. Just remember that you want to support your special someone and not tear them down.

How do you make your partner feel better when they're feeling down? Help others out and let us know! And don't forget to pass this advice on to friends, family members, or anyone who might be going through something difficult.