Mom-To-Be Uses Friend As Sperm Donor But Feels ‘Guilty’ After Discovering His Wife Didn't Know

May 06, 2022 by apost team

Becoming a parent is a personal choice that many people choose to make. It’s a big responsibility having to care for another person and help raise them to become the best person they can be. However, she finally felt she was ready enough to and had a stable enough lifestyle that she could take on the added responsibility of caring for a child, and decided to try in-vitro fertilization.

Her 31-year-old best friend, whom she has known since high school, found out that she was trying to conceive through IVF, and he offered to be her sperm donor. This way, the woman would know all of his medical history in case anything happened in the future.

They both agreed that the best friend wouldn’t be involved as a father, but rather as an honorary uncle, and nothing more would really change. However, the best friend already had a child at the time and was married, but never said anything about him becoming a sperm donor to either of them.

At 33 weeks pregnant, the woman asked both her best friend and his wife out to dinner – not knowing that the wife wasn’t aware of their situation – to thank them for helping her become the mother she had always dreamed of being. The dinner escalated from that point on, as the wife was furious she didn’t know anything about this. 

Since then, the woman has wondered if she was wrong for not checking in with her friend’s wife beforehand, and went to Reddit in April 2022 to ask users for their advice.

In her Reddit post, the original poster (OP) explained that she is currently 33 weeks pregnant with twin girls that were conceived through IVF. “My best friend since high school found out about my plan and how I was looking into finding a donor so it wouldn’t be anonymous and I could vet medical history etc. and offered to be the sperm donor as at least I’d know his medical history and any risks there was attached,” she said.

OP agreed, and the pair decided that her friend wouldn’t have any parental responsibility for the babies, but instead would be an honorary uncle. OP also explained how the paperwork they both signed with the clinic states that her friend has “no legal right or obligation towards the babies.”

As her due date grew closer, OP wanted to do something to thank her friend and his wife for helping her become a mother, but it didn’t go as planned. “His wife was confused when I explained the reason for the dinner and then angry demanding to know why we kept this from her,” OP said. “I was just as shocked and asked my friend if he hadn’t told his wife, he tried to explain to both of us he hadn’t thought it’d matter as he has no rights to them at all.”

On top of that, OP’s friend and his wife already had a 6-year-old son together, so it was incredibly frustrating for the wife to know that her son would have siblings that “aren’t really his siblings.” She also wanted her husband to have a legal say in his future twin daughters’ lives.

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“I was in shock over this but said I wouldn’t be doing that as I wanted to raise them alone,” OP said. “The three of us got into a huge argument and his wife demanded to know why I wouldn’t tell her that her husband had offered this in the first place.”

OP continued, “I feel very guilty for not checking with his wife first but it honestly never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have done that first so I thought if he was offering she had to have already given the OK.”

The mom-to-be asked Reddit users for their thoughts on the matter, and many people told her that she was definitely not in the wrong in this situation. Instead, it was her friend who had messed up.

One user commented, “The fact that he has a son with his wife makes it even more confusing to me why he wouldn’t have run this by her or at least let her know he planned to do it. You did the right thing by thanking them as a unit, since married couples should be operating as a unit.”

Another user agreed that her friend was the one who was wrong in this situation as it was his responsibility to tell his wife about what was happening, but still wondered why OP didn’t mention it to the wife at all. 

OP replied, “I don’t really hang out socially with her and they live in another city so I don’t go out of my way to meet up with her especially as we don’t have much in common. She did congratulate me on social media on the pregnancy but I didn’t know she wasn’t aware.”

Who do you think is in the wrong in this situation? Let us know, and be sure to pass this along to your family members and friends, too.