Loving Someone You Could Never Be With Is Painful

There are few things that make us feel better than being in love. It can be as if you're "walking on air." Everything around seems beautiful and you can't wait to spend time with the person you love. That's great when things are going right, but there's another type of being in love that makes you feel awful. When you can't be with the person you feel the love for it can be the source of pain, sometimes the pain seems almost unbearable. Why is this and what can you do about it?


Ever since childhood we learn that a love story will end with "they lived happily ever after." That isn't the reality we always experience though. Sometimes you just see someone and think you are in love immediately. That is more of what is called "infatuation."

When you get to know the person you may find yourself really being in love. When you both have these feelings for each other things seem wonderful. You may be with the person you feel complete with, many refer to this as their soulmate.



The feeling of love for another is beautiful, but it doesn't mean that it exists by itself. Maybe the most famous love story ever written is so powerful because the two young lovers are unable to be together because of the world around them. William Shakespeare wrote "Romeo and Juliet" more than 600 years ago, yet the play about love that can't be realized is as heartbreaking today as it ever was.

There are many reasons that even the strongest and purest feelings you have for the person you're in love with cannot be returned in the same way. Maybe the most difficult thing is the confusion and pain you cause yourself by convincing yourself that your love would become real if only the person were somehow different or in a different situation.


The truth is we all walk around with many things that make up who we are. You might fall in love with someone and the very things you find attractive can become a reason you later can't be with them. More often it is what we carry with us, our personal history or "baggage" that comes between us.

The reality is that we all have qualities and habits that may be difficult or annoying to someone. What attracts us to a person may later become the same thing we find hard to tolerate. You could be in love with a guy who drives a fast car or seems fearless. When you're in a relationship with the same guy you might worry and get upset when he won't listen to your pleading for him to stop the activity.


The only way to really be with a person when differences and annoyances occur more and more is to be able to compromise. This doesn't mean changing your personality or trying to change who the person you are in love with is. In fact, that doesn't make sense since you have strong feelings because of who they are. But there are things that may be small and yet seem big, or be real serious issues. Remember that you have a choice in what you do.

If you refuse to change even the slightest thing to please your partner the chances are the relationship will suffer. On the other hand it's important to recognize that you can only change yourself. As much as you love and want to change someone else, most things are beyond your control and they are not your doing. There is no point in feeling guilty when someone you love has a problem with addiction or when they lie to you or hide things going on their life.

This causes great pain because you feel hopeless. Again, the choice is yours -- the sad truth is that the person you love will only change when he or she makes a decision to work on their problems, but first they have to see it as a problem. You can help, but often the best help is to refuse to allow yourself to be hurt because of their issues.


There are quite a few relationships that end up going in an endless circle. You may feel deeply in love, then find it so difficult to be together that you break up, but the strong feelings remain. Of course, you may also find yourself meeting someone else and now you are carrying feelings toward this new person while still in love with your "ex." Now, are you being fair to the new person? Are you giving yourself a real chance to be in love again?

Many times a couple will try again after a breakup, even a bad one. The only way to get out of this spiral of bad feeling is by being truly forgiving, and again, being willing to compromise. Don't focus on what other attractions and flirtations that might have happened. It is you they fell in love with and it is only you who are special in your unique way.


The pain of being in love with someone you can never be with is a very deep pain. It can be a form of grieving when love doesn't work out. It isn't the end though. You can always cherish the feelings and go on to have other relationships. You should take with you what you have learned and not judge yourself or other relationships based on those of the past. It is time to go forward and be the one who makes choices for yourself.

Have you ever felt this pain?  Your experiences may teach others valuable things and help them to know they are not alone. Please spend the time to think about what you've read and let us know your opinion. Also, pass it along to everyone you know who might benefit from reading this article.