In 2019, Say Goodbye To Anyone Who Isn't Treating You Right

Dec 18, 2018 by apost team

It's the holiday season. This is an especially difficult time to protect yourself from social demands that make you feel sucked dry and have you wondering why you have these people in your life.

The good news is that New Year's is around the corner. The busy holiday season is an excellent time to start making your own list of who's naughty and who's nice to you and checking it twice. Then, when New Year's rolls around, add this to your New Year's resolutions:

• I will stop being a chump.
• I will create healthy boundaries.
• I will stop giving until it hurts.

If you are the type of person who gets treated like a doormat by everyone around you, you are the only person who can really put a stop to that. It starts and ends with you. That isn't to say you are to blame. The reality is that you probably learned some bad habits while you were a child. Such habits can be hard to break, but if you are an adult now, you need to take responsibility for your life. You need to stop blaming your childhood and start creating the life you want.

apost.com

Make a list of situations you don't handle well. Then brainstorm some solutions. If you know ahead of time what some of your options are, it gets much easier to avoid slipping back into old habits.

Do you tend to say "yes" by default if someone tries to impose unexpectedly? Start practicing answers like "Let me check my schedule and get back to you." That will probably be much easier for you to say than defaulting to "no" instead. It also leaves room for continuing to be generous, just not to the point of kicking yourself. You can do so more judiciously.

Don't let anyone guilt you into continuing to play the role of doormat. There will almost certainly be people who aren't going to accept these changes. The people most likely to give you a hard time about this are probably the ones who are seriously taking advantage of you.

No, it won't work to tell yourself "Just this last time..." If you do that, you will be reinforcing their expectation that you are obligated to do all this stuff for them. In most cases, no, you aren't actually obligated.

Don't be dumb about it. If this person is, say, paying for your annual vacation and has for years, do realize that enforcing your boundaries may have them deciding that they don't owe you anything either. That's a two-way street.

So stop and think about the relationship and how much give and take there really is. If necessary, make a two-column list analyzing how much you do for them and how much they do for you. Get it straight in your mind before you run around burning bridges that you may regret. But if you conclude that, no, really, you are doing all the giving here and it's all downside, it's time to start figuring out how to say "no" and make it stick. Such people tend to be talented at sweet talking others, making them feel guilty and so forth. This is how they get by in life and they probably aren't going to go quietly.

A best practice is to just say "no." Stick to communicating that the thing they asked for isn't going to happen. Do your best to not let it become dramatic: 

• Don't attack them.
• Don't explain that you feel they are a leech.
• Don't accuse them of taking advantage.
• Don't give them a reason to hate you.
• Don't give them a reason to feel they have something to prove.
• Don't give them a reason to want revenge of some sort.
• Don't embarrass them in front of others.

The goal is to extract yourself from the situation. If you need to vent about it, do it in your diary, not to their face. No good will come of dishing the dirt about them, to them or anyone else.

Do you find yourself being treated like a doormat way too often? If so, don't you want to change something about it? Let us know how you're going to create healthy boundaries next year and be sure to pass this on to your friends and loved ones, it might help them as well!