In 2018, I Learned What Real Love Isn't

Dec 20, 2018 by apost team

I thought I was happy, and I thought he was perfect. I had never met anyone like him before. His passion was overwhelming, and he had a zest for life that not many people possess. I could talk to him about anything. He had a special way of showing me he cared. I thought I finally found Mr. Right.

From the unexpected surprises to the rain showers of undivided attention, everything seemed like a fairytale. I was head over heels for him. I thought I had found a rare treasure. Then, one day, things changed. The "nice guy" I used to know suddenly stopped being so nice. Everything turned upside down.

Over time, he turned into someone I no longer recognized. Did he change, or did I simply start seeing him for who he really was? Everything felt heavy and burdensome. It no longer felt like a dreamland. I started questioning myself. What did I do wrong? I felt like his new behavior was all my fault.

Every little thing I did was wrong in his eyes. He didn't approve of anything I did. Everything I said was wrong according to him. One day everything was fine and the next day he treated me like the scum of the earth.

apost.com

The saddest thing about the entire situation was that I took his words to heart. I began to see myself through his eyes. I began hating and doubting myself. Any self-worth I had fleeted from every fiber of my being.

Every aspect of my life began to crumble. My work and friendships suffered. My relationship with myself was completely obliterated. I felt too incompetent to make decisions on my own. I asked for his permission before doing anything because I thought he knew better than me.

I was totally unhappy with him. I didn't have an ounce of joy left in my body. I faked smiles and forced laughs constantly to appear like everything was fine. Any seemingly happy moments that we had together came with a debt.

He told me he loved me countless times. He was always talking about how perfect our love was. From the outside looking in, most couples would have envied us. I knew that this wasn't what real love was supposed to feel like. Real love doesn't feel like constant suffering.

If this was true love, I would have never felt that bad over and over again. He would compliment me only to tear me down a few minutes later. It was exhausting. He never picked me up when I was down.

If this was true love, maybe I wouldn't feel so stupid all the time. He never made me feel equal to him. I wasn't intelligent. I was an incompetent fool who needed his constant guidance.

If this was true love, I would have felt like I was enough. In his eyes, I was never pretty or smart enough for him. He made me feel like I didn't deserve to be with him.

If this was true love, I wouldn't have cried so many tears. How can a man that truly loves you stand to see you cry every day? He was the cause of my daily tears. Seeing me cry brought him joy.

It's all over and done with now. 2018 was a rollercoaster, but I thank this past year for showing me what true love doesn't look like. I am a completely different person now, forever changed by the strife of emotional abuse.

I am entering 2019 with a renewed sense of self-worth and a mission to love myself again.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? How did you find yourself again in the midst of hopelessness? Let us know your story in the comments and pass this along to your friends and family - you never know who may be going through something just like this.