I'm Still In Love With You Even Though We Are Not Meant To Be

Aug 17, 2018 by apost team

I met you and I was blown away. I had never known anyone like you before. Knowing you enriched me. I breathed you in and it elevated my mind and soul.

But we couldn't be together. Your situation was complicated. You were with her, though you didn't really love her and wouldn't marry her. Still, the two of you were an item, and there were extenuating circumstances. There were complications. It just wasn't simple. You couldn't in good conscience just walk away simply because your head had been turned by a pretty new face. If you had, I wouldn't have respected you anymore anyway. I didn't want it like that. Really, you aren't the type to just abandon someone anyway. That's one of the things I love about you.

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And me? I was one hot mess, trying to get my act together, trying to put the pieces back together. There really wasn't room in my life for anyone at the time, yet I was thunderstruck. I longed for you. My mind was filled with so many if only... thoughts. I felt pinned, like a butterfly in a collection. I couldn't escape the thought of you, though it looked like a disaster waiting to happen. I tried so hard to let go, to move on, to stop thinking about you. I simply couldn't.

You were the background noise of my mind. I thought about you. I dreamed about you. I ached for you. So I blogged. I painted. I made webcomics. I wrote poems. I poured my heart out through creative outlets. Because for all that I could not let you go, I knew that trying to make you mine was absolutely not a loving thing to do. That would have amounted to inflicting my intractable problems upon you and also trying to break up your relationship, consequences are damned.

But I knew the consequences would be very damning. This loomed large in my mind as drama in the headlines, as some crazy scandal. I could see the future and that path looked terribly dark. That path was the wrong path. There was no justifying it. There was no excusing such a choice. I never wanted to feel like star-crossed lovers. I wrestled with my feelings. What was wrong with me? Why can't I let this guy go? There are other men out there! But none like him. He was special. He still is special. I'm still in love, though we cannot be together, though we've never even kissed.

5I ranted to God. I cussed at the sky. This seemed so unfair. No one should meet someone who seems like such a perfect match when it is so impossible when it cannot possibly be worked out. What kind of evil, diabolical Greek Tragedy of a plot is this? I watched movies, like The Butterfly Effect, to wrap my brain around the right thing to do. I listened to so many tear-jerk songs to help me process my feelings. I wrote odes to you in fiction form, trying to hide the truth in plain sight.

This love haunts me. It has dogged my steps for so many years while I sorted my problems and got my life back together. It pained me. It was, at times, sweet agony. At other times, it was sheer misery. But I did the right thing. I left your life intact. There was no scandal.

I didn't become the woman who ruined your life. Little by little, I realized that I needed an object to crave during my own personal drama. I realized that fixating on you did my soul good. Though you haven't spoken to me in ages, in some sense, you accompanied me on this long, strange journey back to the light. In some sense, my love for you came back to me.

I'm still in love with you. And I still long for you. And I still wish we could be together, though it still seems impossible. But I'm no longer in agony. I'm at peace. This love helped make me whole and no lives were ruined in the process. Given my childhood and my personal problems, that's more than I ever hoped to have in life.

So now I wrestle with how to make my peace with this. You have been such a big part of my head space for so many years, yet most people have no idea. It's a secret. But this love was real. I didn't just imagine it. Because only real love could have done so much good in my life, against such long odds.

Have you ever felt this way about someone in your life? Do you know anyone who might be feeling this way? Forward this to them now!