I Know We're Not Meant To Be, But I'm In Love With You Anyways

Oct 09, 2018 by apost team

Every time I think of you, I smile. Then, that smile fades. My fondness for you is never in doubt. You're so special and wonderful in every possible way. I want to be with you, and I try to convince myself that we could make it work. Then, my brain has to overtake my heart and tell me that our fates are meant to be separate.

I know how much this hurts me, and I'm doing my best to share it with you. Your pain is likely incredibly deep as well. My love is boundless, at least I think it is. Unfortunately, I have to do what's best for me, even if I don't want to. Listen to me when I tell you that this was maybe the most difficult decision I've ever made.

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They say these kinds of things get easier with time. That might be true, but it hasn't happened to me. Even if it does get easier, it'll never be easy. I look forward to the days when you're not constantly on my mind. I also accept that there'll be times when I think that I'm over you, but you suddenly come bursting back into my thoughts without warning. With patience and a little luck, I'll hopefully be able to survive those situations.

I love you too much to not say goodbye. That must sound like a ridiculous excuse. I'm having trouble with it myself, but I know it's true. You might think I'm being selfish and trying to cover it up, but I wouldn't lie to you. If I continued to be in your life, you would be forced into an unhealthy situation. I know myself too well to know that I can't love you the way I'm supposed to.

Love should not be jealous, paranoid, or possessive. I know this now. I knew it then too, but it didn't make any difference. Whenever a dangerous thought entered my head, I was trying to swat it out. I know that doesn't work, but I couldn't bear to let them be. If I did, they would lead to me saying or doing horrible things (as you know). I tried to tell myself the person in those situations wasn't me, but it was still someone I was letting exist.

Please don't see this as a cry for help. I don't want to turn myself into a victim any more than I want you to be one. The old me is still here. I'm not sure if they'll ever go away. Thankfully, a new me is starting to form. It begins with making a painfully difficult decision because I know it's for the best. I used to think people who made the right decisions did so out of instinct. Now, I realize that they struggle as much as I do, but making a painful, but correct, decision, is much better than making a comfortable, but wrong, wrong.

When I was younger, love seemed so much more obvious. It was when you liked someone so much, you didn't want to ever be away from them, and they felt the same. I wish it could've stayed that way. I never thought that a love could be so great that I would have to stay away from that person. I never thought that the pains of any hatred I've felt could've been eclipsed by the pains of love.

As I continue to write this, I keep longing to find some kind of magic answer. Maybe everything will make sense by the end of this sentence. No, that's not going to work. I know that I have to wait, but I also have to take action. I can't just tell myself I've learned from this experience, only to repeat the same mistakes.

It's going to be alright. I'm saying this for both of us.

Saying goodbye to someone you love is always difficult, but it can teach us important lessons and help us mature. Show this to anyone you know who has been struggling with letting go from someone they care about.