How You Love Differently When You’re a Child of Divorce
You know deep down that words are just that, they mean nothing to you unless they are accompanied by an action. You know that "Promises are meant to be broken" and you've been disappointed often enough to know better. Just hearing "Love you honey" or "Miss you babes" doesn't make your heart melt. Actions are the only way to win your heart. Being there for you is the only way one can truly convince you that you've got a shoulder to lean on. You've rehearsed your lines well and you deliver them without batting an eyelid. You have trust issues but don't want to be tagged as someone who keeps their distance or has the fear of being left alone. You don't want to be someone that people pity. So, you put on your game face and don't let people see the real you. You guard it subconsciously but the moment someone tries to get a little bit too close for your comfort you build walls around your emotions and don't let them in on what you are really feeling deep down.
Love is a four letter word that sends a chill down your spine. The tingling feeling is beautiful but deep down you know that love is accompanied by another four letter word: pain. You don't see the world with rose-colored glasses because you know that true love is mostly a myth. "For better or for worse" is a promise that can be broken. A part of you wants to believe otherwise, but that nagging voice in your head refuses to go away. So you clad yourself in your armor and prepare yourself for the worst. You are always terrified of losing the person you love. You know that despite love they may leave you behind. You want it to work so badly that when it doesn't you convince yourself that no relationship will ever work out. That you are not cut out for relationships, that you may never be someone's everything. You were left heartbroken when you saw your parents go at each other saying brutal things that left them hurt and made them vulnerable to pain. You saw them go through that pain and you vowed to yourself that you would never let that happen to you. So, you may love someone above everything else but you still won't let them through your walls. You won't let them see you when you are vulnerable. It is a self-coping mechanism that you have developed over time to protect yourself. You are always anxious in a relationship and worried that you may lose control. You repeat to yourself "It's going to be alright", but your anxiety gets the better of you and then it gets in the way of your relationship. Your anxiety also drives you to be independent and unapologetic. It makes you strong as a rock at least on the outside. And you derive strength from going after your goals and you don't care if people disapprove because you know that life doesn't give one too many chances. You try very hard to make the very best of what you have and you don't take anything for granted. Deep down there's still a part of you that believes in true love. So you give your very best and you love unconditionally. You would go to the end of the world for your partner and even though you have that nagging voice deep inside you, that makes you anxious, a part of you will never stop fighting for true love.