Big Boobs Won't Sound So Great To You After You Hear This

May 26, 2018 by apost team

Before you get all jealous, girls, and before thinking they’re made of magic cornflakes, boys, please know that the celebration of big boobs is a complete fallacy. Sure, popular culture loves to celebrate the bigger the better when it comes to certain body parts, like boobies and booties, but I’d challenged anyone to lug around an extra 15 or more pounds on their chest for a day and describe it as a celebration of anything but torture. It’s misery. Absolute misery. Don’t believe me? Try these obstacles on for size.

Unless you’re a side-sleeper and stay that way, boobs are sleeping obstacles of misery. You can’t lay flat unless you’re into sadomasochism. Place a couple of bricks on your chest to see what it’s like to lay flat on your back. Beach sleeping is about the only reprieve. Sorry if anyone has stepped in my boob sand holes and broken an ankle.

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Everyone and their mama with big boobs knows their precise size in every brand, style, and continent possibly available to them. Yet, sales staff constantly want to argue that my boobs are smaller than actuality because they don’t carry a size big enough to fit me and still want to make a commission. Back up with the measuring tape and put away your boob X-ray vision because I know my size.

It’s inevitable that a button is going to pop from the pressure of gigantic boobs against tiny plastic opponents . Lay bets on it, people. If you somehow manage to find a button with super natural strength, you’re still going to flash everyone from the stretched fabric and gaps.

Yoga and breathing go together. Yoga, breathing, and big boobies don’t. Certain positions involve gravity smothering you with mass boobage, that is if you can rearrange long enough to get yourself into the pose to begin with.

Eat a bag of Doritos at lunch; you’ll likely discover plenty of crumbs wedged between your girls for an afternoon snack. What’s even better is when a fallen morsel gets twisted and the sharp edge produces enough pain to make you perform calisthenic maneuvers to dislodge it in front of an audience. Fun times, indeed.

I can’t count how many outfits end up looking like a beach tent on legs. Summer is torture because there is no such thing as a sleeveless shirt without side-boob or that doesn’t transform into a crop top once stretched over the boobs.

Forget shelf dresses and shirts because your boobs will be a waterfall out the top and bottom. V-necks and sweetheart necks are no-no’s. Backless tops and dresses that the less endowed can go bra-less wearing are recipes to get arrested for indecent drooping.

Spaghetti straps are torture devices that eventually pop and leave you really and truly arrested for indecent exposure. Those seams that are supposed to run under breasts in athletic tops and such are never where they’re designed to lay.

Running with big boobs is a no-go. The physics of it alone will result in iced iced black eyes and chests - your own, not the zombie.

“Would you like a side of boob with your spaghetti,” asked the big busted waitress. How about a boob imprint on a freshly painted wall? Squeeze between two racks or by two people and you’re taking something or someone with you. You have to be aware that, while the rest of your body can go where it wants to, your boobs are like dragnets reaching far beyond the rest of you.

Reach for a napkin over the dinner table and there goes the salt, pepper, and possibly a drink or two. If you happen to be tall, as I am, and have monster boobs, as I do, then you’ll also give a few black eyes to friends tapping you on the shoulder, as I have.

My mom taught me well to never stick my hand over a hot stove, but the same lesson wasn’t given about leaning over said stove to reach the back burner in relation to my boobs. This is definitely not the kind of heat any boobies should experience.

Basically, you can choose from wearing the seatbelt three feet in front of you over the boobies, all to compress a lot of soft boob tissue in an accident - bad. Or, you can wear it atop the boobs around your neckline so that an accident would just go ahead and decapitate you.

Women with big boobs could probably rival professional athletes when it comes to ball handling. Bending over for any reason, such as dropping an item, will result in mass chaos. I’m talking about underwire pokes and boob overspill at a minimum to throwing balance off and falling flat of your face. So, just don’t drop anything.

There’s no such thing as BOGO or two for $20 when it comes to bras for big boobs. Online and special orders are about the only retail sources, and they’re going to charge you dearly for every extra millimeter of fabric.

Are you considering an upgrade in boob size? If so, did we manage to change your mind? Show this article to your big-boobed friends so they can commiserate, and your small-boobed friends so they can stop being jealous of you!