Narcissistic Abuse Is A Frightening New Type Of Emotional Abuse You Must Know About

Jan 18, 2019

We’ve all met those people who somehow think they’re the center of the universe; they’re smarter, better, and just more important than everyone else, and their opinions, feelings, wants, and needs are the only ones that are of importance. Aside from this absolute self-centeredness, they typically have the same absolute lack of empathy for those around them, even the ones they claim to love.

Sound familiar? If so, you’ve just encountered a narcissist. If you have a relationship with such a person, you’re likely experiencing a world of hurt.

Depending on the context of the relationship and the degree and depth of contact, narcissists can be very toxic to your well-being. Of course, narcissism isn’t a one-size-fits-all personality trait. It comes in varying levels, meaning just how self-centered the person is also affects just how detrimental the relationship with them can become to you.

Ph.D., MSW Robert Weiss actually calls it a “continuum.” This relationship expert says narcissists can take the milder flavor of the occasionally self-obsessed to the very concerning deeply pathological versions.

“Narcissistic abuse” is something that’s recently hit the media hard thanks to public allegations by Karen Monahan, the ex-girlfriend of Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison. Monahan claims she suffered “narcissistic abuse” from Ellison. She has recounted incidences such as cursing at her as he physically dragged her off a bed, incessantly lying to her, and blaming her for even asking what was happening during such events.

Extreme narcissists often fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and if you’re involved in any type of relationship with such a person, narcissistic abuse is a possibility that can cause great suffering.

According to Weiss, narcissistic abuse isn’t a term used as a professional diagnosis or in any clinical criteria for mental health issues. Instead, it’s become a term laymen use in describing someone relentlessly self-centered to the point they must always be noticed and first in all that they do. Basically, narcissistic abuse is a way to describe emotional abuse committed by narcissistic individuals.

Regardless of whether the abuser is narcissistic or not, emotional abuse is very damaging and dangerous to the psyche of the abused. Because it doesn’t take physical action and leave a physical mark of abuse, emotional abuse is often not as ‘wowing’ socially, especially amongst those who’ve never encountered it. Make no doubt, however, that emotional abuse can be just as dangerous and hurtful as its physical counterpart.

When most people think of emotional abuse, they think of profane name-calling, but it’s actually much more complex than just profane verbal assaults. In fact, emotional abuse can be very sly about how it’s inflicted.

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline notes that emotional abuse can take many forms. It can look like:

• Manipulation
• Control
• Monitoring and spying
• Invasions of privacy
• Insults
• Passive aggressiveness
• Threats toward you or themselves
• Isolation
• Withholding of or bargaining with love and affection
• Unfounded blame and accusations
• Lies, mistruths, and misdirection
• Unfaithfulness

Gaslighting is also a well-known tactic used by emotional abusers, but it is sometimes more difficult to recognize. It’s a form of manipulation in which the abuser tries to convince you that a lie is true, making you think you’re crazy, unstable, leading you to become paranoid with misdirection, inaccuracies, denial, and lies. 

Whatever tactic or combination of tactics is used, the goal remains the same for emotional abusers. The abuser is trying to make you feel worthless, compliant, as lucky as possible to be with them, and reliant upon them.

None of the above is to say that every narcissist is an emotional abuser. In fact, Weiss says it’s completely plausible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist. Remember that narcissism works on a scale, not one-size-fits-all. Sometimes, two narcissistic personalities even find mutual ground to make a relationship beneficial on both sides. That said, the more narcissistic one part of a relationship is, the more likely the counterpart is to have all facets of life drained and be left in a lot of hurt.

Are you in an abusive relationship with a narcissist?

Speak with a mental health professional if you suspect you’re the victim of any type of emotional abuse. A professional can help you identify the emotional abuse tactics and the best course of action to avoid further victimization. It may be that couples' therapy would help the abuser see the error in his or her ways if they are mildly narcissistic, or are living with some other undiagnosed mental health issue.

A treatment called pro-dependence could help the relationship evolve in a more healthy way by looking at the pros of living with a challenging person. Yes, it’s hard to imagine a pro to narcissism, but non-pathological narcissism is actually a trait that is demonstrated in confidence, independence, assertiveness, drive, ambition, and a number of other positive traits.

It’s when the pathological narcissism is projected through selfishness, arrogance, entitlement, control, and manipulation that it becomes a potential negative source of emotional abuse.

Yet another option may be that it’s time to prioritize your safety and well-being. It may be that you’ll need to part ways to protect yourself from further harm.

Weiss reminds you that healthy relationships are two-way streets and that someone saying “I love you” doesn’t equate to being loved if you’re in a relationship with someone who hoards all the air in a room for themselves.

Have you been the victim of emotional abuse? Was your abuser a narcissist? If so, did you stay, seek help, or leave? We’d love to hear your thoughts and stories in the comment section, and pass this along if you know someone who needs to read it.

Our content is created to the best of our knowledge, yet it is of general nature and cannot in any way substitute an individual consultation by your doctor. Your health is important to us!