4 Mistakes Couples Make In Conflict That Ruin Their Relationship - Psychologist Examines

Nov 21, 2018

You’ve long been told that there’s no crystal ball in life to predict outcomes, right? But, what if that’s not so true? What if someone could predict if your relationship will end or not with 91% accuracy? That’d be like having your own personal relationship crystal ball. Dr. John Gottman claims he can do just that by simply observing a couple quarreling.

Dr. Gottman, psychologist and founder of the Gottman Institute, has spent his entire career studying couples. Through four decades of practice and research, he’s developed a relationship prognosis concept called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Love, in which he has discovered four specific ways couples argue that lead to almost certain separation. He’s also come up with antidotes to help couples get back on the right path if they’re using these four destructive relationship communication techniques.

Four Ways Couples Argue That Lead To Splitting Up And What You Can Do To Solve Them

It’s human nature to be somewhat critical at times, which is why being critical isn’t necessarily a relationship death sentence. You make an error and you try to justify or deflect the mistake through blame instead of self-reflection and responsibility.

It can happen to even the best of us when we feel cornered. However, if you find yourself using or being a victim of criticism frequently, your relationship is likely in jeopardy and on the path to the next horseman.

The result of criticism like “you’re always so selfish and you never care” is a partner feeling rejected, alone, inferior, attacked, and with no recourse that isn’t defensive in nature.

Dr. Gottman doesn’t just point out the problem, however. His crystal ball comes with a solution. He recommends the following:

• Try to describe your feelings and the situation at hand without being judgmental.
• Avoid the use of words that signal there’s no room for discussion, including those such as always and never.
• Try to ask for what you want in a more positive manner and with positive words.

Criticism paves the way for this much more deadly horseman called contempt. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, the number one predictor of divorce is contempt.

Contemptuous communication is full of intentional meanness, malice, and hurt. The aim is to disrespect and diminish your partner through mocking them, belittling them, sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, name calling, disrespectful gestures, and so on.

The result of contempt is a deeply damaged partner who feels abused, worthless, insignificant, and weakened. Even their health can be impacted as studies have shown this type of arguing weakens the immune system.

Dr. Gottman’s prescription for contempt is to do both of the following:

• Both partners must lower their threshold and tolerance for contemptuous behaviors and comments.
• Focus on the qualities you both do like about each other so that you can build a culture of appreciation, not contempt.
• Try writing something down that you adore about your partner each day to help you focus.

This horseman is usually a direct response to criticism. In case you haven’t noticed, criticism is like a gateway behavior to all the other horsemen.

In an effort to defend yourself and remove the threat your partner’s words cause, defensiveness can mean that you make excuses, embody the role of an innocent victim, or even back-blame your partner.

Whatever the reason, defensiveness in communication is never productive. It simply sends the message that you don’t value your partner’s concerns and are unwilling to take any responsibility upon your own shoulders for the problem at hand.

How do you know if you’re being defensive? Just as the words never and always are indicative of being critical, they’re also indicative of being defensive when termed toward oneself, such as “I never do anything wrong.”

If you find yourself being defensive, try these approaches:

• Stop and actively listen to what your partner is saying.
• Take responsibility when and where it’s called for in the situation.
• Know the definition of regret, and actually, make “I’m sorry” be meaningful.

The cumulative impact of the first three horsemen often leads to stonewalling when partners wear down and feel overwhelmed. You place an impassable bridge between you and your partner. You shut them out, withdraw, and refuse to engage in conversation in any way. You’ve distanced yourself emotionally and/or physically from your partner and are shutting down in the relationship.

When an argument arises, you simply walk away, give them the silent treatment, and pretend you’re not phased in the least. The result is a partner left feeling abandoned and rejected - the relationship is doomed for failure if it continues.

Try these approaches if you find yourself stonewalling your partner:

• Take a moment to collect your thoughts, and tell your partner you need them to respect that time.
• Revisit the conversation as soon as you’re calmer and able to convey your thoughts without riding on any of the horsemen.

Are you guilty of riding your relationship into the ground on any of these four horsemen? What changes do you plan to make now that you know they’re not productive and can spell relationship doom? Maybe you have some relationship tips to help improve communication during heated moments? Tell us about your thoughts and ideas in the comments and don't forget to spread the word about this!